The Pyramid
I turned my group chat into a Dance Moms pyramid and now we're not speaking.
Type in your friends, your coworkers, your group chat — whoever. Abby drops each one onto the pyramid, bottom row to the single photo on top, with a reason for every placement. Then you screenshot it, tag everyone, and let them fight about who deserved the top. She said it, not you.
And on top of the pyramid, going 3 for 3 once again — Jess. You plan every hang, you book the table, you carry these people on your back. They don't deserve you. Frankly, neither do I.
Marcus. Middle. You show up for the memes and evaporate before the bill lands. You didn't stick out to me — and that's the point.
Priya. Middle. You send the good recs, but you also start the drama, so I'm splitting the difference. Consider it a warning.
Dan. Bottom row. You've had 'haha yeah we should do that' sitting in the chat since March and organized nothing. That's the effort of a screensaver.
Chloe. Bottom. You answer a three-paragraph message with a single thumbs-up. That's not participation, that's a receipt.
And on top of the pyramid, going 3 for 3 once again — Amara. You make the reservation, you handle the split, you text 'home safe?' You're the mother this group didn't earn.
Soph. Middle. Present. Pleasant. Beige. You didn't stick out to me and you never do.
Bex. Bottom. You announce 'omw' and then arrive as we're paying. 'Omw' from WHERE, Bex — the year 2019?
Tia. Bottom. You '😭😭' every message and contribute zero words. Save those tears for your pillow. This is brunch.
And on top, going 3 for 3 — Raf. You DM for these ingrates every week and build the whole world, and they thank you by inspecting doorknobs. It's a dictatorship and you're the dictator. As it should be.
Bella. Middle. You show up, you play, you leave no crater. Reliable filler. You didn't stick out to me.
Nils. Bottom. You 'roll to inspect' every doorknob and derail three hours. This nincompoop is holding up the whole campaign.
Quinn. Bottom. You cancel the morning of, every time. 'Something came up' — something always comes up with you, Quinn.